What are you so afraid of?

Lions hunt gazelles, but these graceful animals are very swift and hard to catch. Lions run at speeds up to 34 miles per hour. Gazelles run a much faster 60 miles per hour. In order to successfully bring down their prey, lions use an ingenious strategy. They split up according to age and speed; the young, fast lions chase after the gazelles but they steer them toward a grassy area where the old, slow arthritic lions are hiding in the tall foliage. As the gazelles come toward the grass, thinking they’ve outrun the young lions, they hear a deep roar coming from the grass. Frightened, they turn and run away from the roar and right into the mouths of the young, energetic lions—which under these conditions are able to catch them. Had the gazelles “run toward the roar”—the thing that scared them—they would have been safe, because once they encountered the older lions lumbering in the grass, they could have easily run right past them. 

Here’s the lesson: when we are afraid, our natural inclination is to run away from what scares us. However, the more we face our fears, the less we are afraid of them.

Have you ever had anxiety about a particular situation but when you got there you wondered, “What was I so afraid of?” This happens to me with voicemail. I will get a call from someone and I am afraid to check it for fear that the person calling will be asking me to do something I don’t want to do. “What if they invited me to an event I don’t want to go to?” I am such a people pleaser that I am afraid of letting someone down to the point that I won’t check their email sometimes for days. This leads to shame. Then I start to spiral and from shame I move on to resentment. I resent that person for even calling in the first place and making me feel these unwanted feelings. Talk about a spiral of crazy making.

When I answer my voicemails immediately I find that 9 times out of 10 the person is just calling to say hello or to give me a piece of information that I needed. Even worse is when they do invite me to something and I miss out on it because I was afraid of being invited. I don’t know what that is about, but I have learned that it is best to just fact things immediately. The longer I go without dealing with any problem that makes me uncomfortable, the more it scares me and robs me of my energy. 

What else is robbing you of your energy? When you look at Marie Kondo’s KonMari Method – “The KonMari method is a system of simplifying and organizing your home by getting rid of physical items that do not bring joy into your life. It was created by organizing consultant Marie Kondo and described in detail in her best-selling book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.” Her method simply asks, “Does it Spark Joy?” If not, get rid of it. The same can be true in your relationships, your career, your finances. So the question I ask myself “Does it spark fear?” Yes. And why? Is the fear even rational?

Fear of Failure. Fear of Shame. Fear of Pain.

Fear comes in many forms, but when I look at what makes us afraid on a daily basis I’d say that fear of failure, fear of being shamed, and fear of being hurt are among the top fears people face. We learn to be fearful in our youth. As children we learn to be afraid of strangers usually from our parents. We fear being different, learning that standing out can often get you ridiculed or bullied. We learn that being vulnerable can be painful. We create walls to protect ourselves and then we live in fear of having our safe and comfortable spaces invaded.

Define Your Fears Instead of Your Goals

As I was researching this topic for this post I came across this great Ted Talk with Tim Ferriss. He shares his recipe for avoiding self paralysis and self destruction. He introduces the topic of stoicism – which is basically controlling your emotion. I’m not a huge fan of being stoic, if being stoic means repressing your feelings. However, if being stoic is a plan for calming your mind and taking control of your emotions, then I’m all in. As I listened to this talk I had to agree with Ferriss’ plan of action.

The hard choices — what we most fear doing, asking, saying — are very often exactly what we need to do. How can we overcome self-paralysis and take action? Tim Ferriss encourages us to fully envision and write down our fears in detail, in a simple but powerful exercise he calls “fear-setting.” Learn more about how this practice can help you thrive in high-stress environments and separate what you can control from what you cannot.

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I like to see things that change the world around us for the better. That is why I like being on college campuses and institutions that promote learning. Being educated helps us understand the world around us better. Education can help us understand ourselves and others better. With knowledge, we can learn to love others and see them as individuals and not as groups or demographics. So what does this have to do with an app that is about picking up litter?

Teachers Make Big Impact with Everyday Little Things

As I was watching this Ted Talk one of the things that stood out to me is that the creator of the app had involved his children in picking up trash, then teachers were involving students and along the way they had created this online community of people who were doing small things that were making a big impact. I believe that is what teachers do. In the day to day, you might not think that teaching history is changing the world, but over time the impact you are having can be colossal. It is hard to capture the data around teaching and the trajectory on a students life, but we have all heard the stories of the teacher that changed the course of a students life – and sometimes we have stories of our own.

So back to Litterati, what is great about this story was that it started as just a fun way to clean up the earth, but eventually it led to a secondary benefit and that was data that could help change the way businesses do business. Data that was collected was used in a court case and later they found that Taco Bell was giving out hot sauce packets that weren’t being used. I believe that education has this same impact. What we think is just a small thing, ends up being something that changes not only one individual’s life, but the lives of everyone that person comes into contact with.

Dan Lok – How a Teacher Changed his Life

Entrepreneur and author Dan Lok shares a life-changing moment with his teacher Ms. Fallon who saw in him the potential he never saw in himself. This is a story about the power of teachers.

“Never underestimate the power of someone believing in you more than you believe in yourself.” – Dan Lok

How a Coach and Teacher Changed Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s Life

Jody Swick invited The Rock to play football. His coach became a father figure and mentor and changed his life. His grades got better. He started to think about his future and goals. The empathy that Jody Swick had for him was what impacted Dwayne Johnson the most. Seeing the potential in students even when they can’t see the potential in themselves can change their lives.

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Anytime the talk about boundaries comes up it can always create a small feeling of apprehension. Everyone has to create personal boundaries in their personal life and their work life. Personal boundaries by definition are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.

There are several different ways to look into how to set boundaries personally. There are seven books written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in a Boundaries series dedicated to setting boundaries in key areas of life. Start by reading Boundaries, or find help for specific relationships, such as Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Kids, Boundaries with Teens, and Boundaries in Dating. As your confidence using boundaries grows, you’ll find Beyond Boundaries and Boundaries for Leaders to be indispensable resources. You can look into the Boundaries series at https://www.boundariesbooks.com.

For free options, Oprah has an amazing post setting simple but firm boundaries. You can look at them at  www.oprah.com/spirit/begin-to-set-personal-boundaries_1/all. She will walk you through Self-Awareness, Setting Your Boundaries, and Strengthen Your Internal Boundaries.

Creating boundaries in your personal life will look different to everyone. What each person needs as boundaries will differ. Who are you? What do you value? Figure out what, exactly, you’re comfortable with and what you aren’t. This requires inner dialogue with yourself and realization with what you need. It is very important to know what your personal boundaries are first so that you can create boundaries in your work life.

Setting Boundaries as a Teacher

As a teacher that are several boundaries that have to be set. Between grading papers and communication with coworkers, parents and students.

How much time should you commit to spending papers? I vowed from day one that I would not take any papers home. You have to realize this requires you to stay at school later. This worked for me because I didn’t have children that I needed to go home to. This might not work for you. You might need to take papers home to grade. Several teachers I worked with did this and that is ok. Don’t let it devour you and consume all of your time.

You need to create a boundary to give yourself some down tie to recharge. If you can, utilize your students to help grade. If there is a quiz in class, have your students pass them to the person to their left or right and call out the answers and let them grade. Have a variety of assignment types and formats. Not every assignment needs to be a report or paper and not every assignment needs to be written in complete sentences. Moving beyond traditional paper-pencil assessments will significantly reduce your grading load.

Communication Boundaries with Teachers

What type of communication boundaries need to be set in place for teachers? The teacher-student relationship is not equal. Teachers and all education professionals are in a unique
position of trust, care, responsibility, authority and influence with their students. Setting boundaries in the classroom are easy. You just have to stay consistent on your expectations.

Communication with Students Outside the Classroom

I do not suggest you giving out your personal phone number to students or families. That is a big personal boundary that should never be crossed, personally. There are several different options for communication if students or families need to contact you. Your school e-mail is one option but you have to make sure to check your e-mail from home. One of the easiest ways to establish a channel of communication with students and parents is through one of the messaging apps available. Educators can quickly send messages, share information and images and more.

There are a lot of options available and your choices will depend on the level and area you teach and whether your goal is to set up communication between students and you or with parents. Out of the various options available, I have used Bloomz (free award winning app for communication with parents) and Remind (free app for communication with students). By creating or setting up a digital learning space through a website or an LMS, you can share resources, post assignments, celebrate student success and classroom events, and be available for student questions anytime. The information can be updated regularly and you can include a way for parents to contact you or for students to get help when they need. It can be a collaborative learning space whether it be a tool like edmodo.com, schoology.com, a Google site or even through Wikispaces. Any of these options would help to create a connection between you, the students, and their learning. You may also create a boundary as to what time you will stop responding to communication from students or families.

Teachers Need to Set Emotional Boundaries

The last boundary I want to discuss is emotional boundaries with students and families. Make sure to maintain a professional role acting as a role model for students. Avoid acting in a peer or parental role as this can cause dependency that is not in the teachers role. If a student comes to you needing support, refer them to your school counselor or school crisis team. A school counselor works in primary schools and/or secondary schools to provide academic, career, college access/affordability/admission, and social-emotional competencies to all students through a school counseling program.

Do not forget that you cannot suggest any medical suggestions to student or their families. If you suggest it, the school district can be required to pay for such interventions.

Lastly, setting boundaries is not always easy, but a great book called Crucial Conversations can help. We have a post where you can read about Crucial Conversations here.

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Crucial Conversations

Tools for Talking when the Stakes are High

I have met with the same mentor every week for the past seven years. He is a an avid reader and is constantly bringing me books and telling me, “You need to read this.” They are almost always good books that I need to read, but sometimes they are so good that I turn into an evangelist pushing what I have learned onto every friend and family member. This book has been so helpful for me because I often withdraw when it comes to conflict. I learned from my parents, “You can get glad in the same pants you got mad in.” So instead of handling conflict with skill, I learned to stuff it down and act like I wasn’t upset. Ever been there?

Another friend of mine said his mom would send him to his room when he was angry.  We are taught that emotions are either good or bad. Anger is often considered a “Bad” emotion, when anger is a natural response and is often used in a positive way. We can use anger to step up and fight for those that can’t fight for themselves. We use anger to motivate us to change. When anger is controlled it can be a positive force. But most of the time we stuff our anger down and eventually it comes out like a volcano spewing hot lava and ash all over everyone around us – often the people we care about the most.

Communication – Today’s Most Important Skill

If you Google “Communication” you will find article after article touting the importance of communication, one article is titled: “Why Communication is Today’s Most Important Skill.” Others include stats about the importance of communication as well as tips on improving communication in an ever-changing culture that uses technology to communicate more and more. But what about those basic conversations we have with our children or our spouses? What about the conversations we have with our bosses and co-workers? Great communication skills are necessary in the workforce, but they start in our homes and in our most intimate relationships. In Crucial Conversations they start with this phrase, “When conversations move from casual to crucial, we are usually at our worst.” Hard conversations, crucial conversations, are usually the ones that come out of nowhere and cause us to become emotional. Our flight or fight instinct kicks in and with the blood moving from our head to our arm and leg muscles we are no longer able to think clearly in emotional and critical situations. While we are often taught to work hard, do the right thing, be honest, we are rarely taught how to communicate when the conversation is critical.

Some examples of Crucial Conversations may include: 

• Ending a relationship
• Asking a friend to repay a loan
• Talking to a boss about their behavior
• Critiquing a Colleague’s work
• Asking a roommate to move out
• Custody issues with an ex-spouse
• Discussing problems with intimacy
• Confronting a loved one about substance abuse

This is a very short list of difficult situations. In the book they use the story about a woman who sees a charge for a hotel room on her husband’s credit card statement. She immediately jumps to the conclusion that he is having an affair, but she is afraid to bring it up in conversation. She knows that whatever his answer is going to be, that it could cause loss or change in her life. Is she willing to take that risk? Would it be easier to just explain it away in her mind and act like it isn’t happening? How often does this happen in our culture? Instead of addressing an issue, because of it’s potentially devastating impact, it is ignored, often for years, sometimes forever. When the woman finally confronted her husband about the hotel bill he explained that he had to pay for a client to stay the night in a hotel and forgot to mention it to her. It ended up being a small problem, but she had already started to tell herself a story and come to an incorrect conclusion. The stakes were high and “the higher the stakes the less likely we are to handle it well.” (17) So how do we master crucial conversations?

Mastering Crucial Conversations: The Power of Dialogue

“The mistake many of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.” Through our own experiences we learn at an early age that often times telling the truth or having a crucial conversation will cause us to lose something or someone we love. It’s like that age old question, “Do these pants make me look fat?” The real heart of the question is, “do you love and accept me no matter what I look like on the outside?” In an effort to not offend someone, we often lie or sidestep the question. So how do we move from lying to truth and still keep our friends? Dialogue.

Dialogue

“At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information.” (23)

Dialogue is the sharing of information whether it is popular or not. People must be willing to share information and ideas in a safe space. When I’ve shared content from this book I see the skeptical look on their faces and so I ask them, “What do you think about what I’ve said?” And they usually respond with, “Well, all of this sounds good in theory, but what if the other person hasn’t read this book?” It’s a good question and the book addresses it. Most people when they are in a tough spot and they don’t know how to proceed in a conflict resort to either silence or violence. I know that I have experienced this in my own life. I have a tendency to withdraw when I am not sure how to proceed in a conversation. I think time will make the problem go away, but it rarely does. Years ago, I was working out with a close friend and I corrected his math on his number of reps and he shouted back at me as he slammed the weights to the ground, “It was 25 not 18!” I honestly couldn’t believe his attitude, it was a side of him that I’d never seen and my response was “No one talks to me this way, I’m outta here.” So I stormed off in a huff. I’m embarrassed to admit that, but it is the truth and I felt justified in my behavior. I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, but what I should have done was kept the dialogue going. The book puts it this way, “When two or more of us enter crucial conversations, by definition we don’t share the same pool. Our opinions differ. I believe one thing. You believe another.” My example is a simple one. I believed that my friend had only done 18 reps, he believed that he had done 25. It really didn’t matter to me how many reps he did, I thought I was doing him a favor by helping him with his workout. He believed that he had counted correctly. (I was actually perplexed at how he could be off by 7 reps!) I ended the dialogue by storming off and retreating to silence.

If I had continued the dialogue it would have saved me a few hours of stewing on the problem and then later having to have a hard conversation where I had to apologize for my immature behavior – the storming out. But I did have the opportunity to explain to him how his explosive response was not the way that he and I could continue to be friends. Our shared desire was to be friends and to continue to make each other better. How we could accomplish that would be to learn to communicate better and less explosively. He told me in his dialogue that his outburst was just the way he and his brother grew up talking to each other and that he didn’t think it was that big of a deal. For me his outburst was something I only saw when my dad was angry and so I withdrew from angry outburst and tense situations instead of engaging in them.

Another key piece of communication and dialogue is creating a safe space where truthful dialogue is valued and appreciated. From a separate BulletProof Radio podcast featuring marketing guru Joe Polish, he said, “Intimacy is the exploration of a safe space between two individuals.” I bring that up now only because in order to have good dialogue, you need to have a safe space for dialogue to occur. Since the person we are dealing with is out of our control, the responsibility for creating a safe space for conversation rests upon the one that knows how to create that environment. That is why this book is so critical and so helpful. I cannot change the people around me, but I can change myself and my response to others actions. Furthermore, I can create a space that is safe for them to share and ultimately reach our shared goal. So how do you create a safe space? Start with Heart.

Start with Heart: How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want

You can’t expect people to change overnight and creating meaningful flow of dialogue is hard work. The first person that you have to start with is yourself. “The first step to achieving the results we really want is to fix the problem of believing that others are the source of all that ails us.”(35) “People who believe that they need to work on themselves do just that. As they work on themselves, they also become the most skilled at dialogue.” This seems counterintuitive doesn’t it. If I know how to have a good conversation then why am I the one that needs work? By working on ourselves we can become like a skilled fighter, because that is what often happens when we start a crucial conversation, the opposing party starts looking for ways to “punish, win or keep the peace”. (38) Our desire to win drives us away from healthy dialogue.

When our belief of what we think is true or correct is challenged then the purpose of our dialogue changes. We no longer seek to come to a healthy outcome but instead to prove ourselves right. We jump to stats, we call on all our our resources, our intelligence, personal experience, other friends, social media – all to prove that the other person is wrong and you are right. This often times moves to punishing. We no longer want to just win the argument, we want to punish them.  Another tactic we often use in a crucial conversation is to resort to silence in an effort to keep the peace. The argument might have started about whether or not to go to dinner and then escalated into “why can’t you ever make a decision.” Before you know it, your dinner plans are out the window and you are stuck eating leftovers and going to bed angry. The desired outcome of the conversation was no longer even on the table, instead, you were more concerned about being right. The question you should be asking is, “What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship.” The last telling question you should be asking yourself is, “How would I behave if I really wanted these results.” Asking these questions helps keep us focused on our goals and keeps our brain focused on what we really want.

This is just a start to learning how to have crucial conversations. The book delves into all those questions you probably have boiling up inside of you like, “How does this really hold up in my personal situation?” Some conversations seem impossible, but the book has a variety of ways to approach the most complex conversations and gives great and clear examples of how to get better results in your life through better communication.

To recap, this is from page 46 in Crucial Conversations:

Work on Me First, Us Second

Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.

Focus on What You Really Want

• When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence stop and pay attention to your motives
• Ask Yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?”
• Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?”
• And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”

Refuse the Fool’s Choice

• As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice. (The Fool’s Choice is believing that you have to choose between telling the truth or losing a friend.)
• Watch yourself to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing and so on.
• Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask you brain to start searching for healthy option to bring you dialogue.

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